The Start

Today was eye opening. It was emotional.

 

But ya know, I think this is how it's supposed to start.  I think this is the right way to make a permanent change, through true self reflection and thoughtful decision making.

 

I've always been one to jump on a diet band wagon.  Maybe not the crazy, super fads, but I've definitely yo-yo dieted more than I'd care to admit. I've tried weight watchers with my mom at home, calorie counting, working out a lot, even dr supervised but I've never really asked myself or been asked "why?"

 

Why do you want to lose weight? What will you do when you lose that weight? Why is it important?

 

WHY?

 

Well shoot. I don't freaking know.  I was asked that yesterday and honestly, I guess the reason my first answer was I don't know is because its just been ingrained in my mind that I should, because society has said I should. Well that wasn't motivating. Maybe that's why I've tried and failed so many times. I don't care enough about what society thinks. I needed a better reason. A reason that meant more to me, was more motivating. And that came in admitting to myself that I wasn't "mostly healthy," and that even though I could still do things like exercise and play with my kids, I would eventually pay the price for excess weight that was on my bones (and had started already with a hurt knee), and that I want to be able to keep up with my healthy husband even when we are old. I don't want him to have to take care of me after our kids move out. I want to play with my (eventual) grand kids and be able to travel with my husband and do the things we couldn't do with kids. In short, I want to be able to take care of me. 

My apprehensions were shocking to me. I didn't know I had them. I didn't know I was self sabotaging and was afraid of losing the weight. Sounds crazy, but it's true. In deciding whether or not to start this program, I had to really take a look at what I wanted and what I was going to do. Being overweight has become my identity, or at lest a large part of it. If I wasn't overweight, what was i? That was my biggest fear. How backwards is that? I guess I just became comfortable being uncomfortable. It's been an excuse for a lot of things. If I felt someone didn't like me, it must be because I'm overweight, if I didn't get a job, or something didn't work out I would attribute it to my weight. It was my go to excuse. If I wasn't overweight anymore, what would my excuse be? That was scary to me. 

I've made the choice to change. I have the support of my husband and am glad to be starting this journey.